So… Sarah sent me this.. she claims it didn’t happen to her… but… it does sound like something she’d do…

(Absolutely hilarious, but kinda long..so you’ll need to click the read more thingie to get to it)

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner,
play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in
my mind for the next few hours: “Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.”



So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.
It was one of those “cold wax” kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you
just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel
them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull
the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I’m
not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out.
(YA THINK!?!)





So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other
stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so
I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. (“Cold wax”,
yeah…right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it
tight and pull. It works!



OK, so it wasn’t the best feeling, but it wasn’t too bad. I can do this!
Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward
body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.



With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak
back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I
drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.



Using the same procedure, I apply the strip across the right side of my
bikini line, covering the right half of my *%&#@ and stretching down to
the inside of my buttock cheek (it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and
brace myself….RRRRIIIPPP!!!!



I’m blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!….OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!



Vision returning, I notice that I’ve only managed to pull off half the
strip. Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted.
I think I may pass out…must stay conscious…must stay conscious. Do I
hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe…OK, back to normal.



I want to see my trophy – a wax covered strip, the one that has caused
me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in
the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!
There’s no hair on it.



Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the
hair. The hair that should be on the strip…it’s not! I touch. I am
touching wax.






I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now
covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG
mistake…remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I
need to do something. So I put my foot down. *%&#@! I hear the slamming
of a cell door. $&%#$! Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut.
Sealed shut!!!!



I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and
think to myself “Please don’t let me get the urge to poop. My head may
pop off!” What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!!
Hot water melts wax!! I’ll run the hottest water I can stand into the
bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt
and I can gently wipe it off, right???



*WRONG!!!!!!!*



I get in the tub – the water is slightly hotter than that used to
torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment – I sit. Now,
the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is
having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub…in
scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn’t melt cold wax.
So, now I’m stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had
cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had
convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!



I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some
secret of how to get me undone. It’s a very good conversation starter
”So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!”
There is a slight pause. She doesn’t know any secret tricks for removal
but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly
where the wax is located, “Are we talking cheeks or ????
or hoo-ha?”



She’s laughing out loud by now…I can hear her. I give her the rundown
and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.



YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else’s night. While we
go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a
razor . Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in
hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then
dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working,
dignity has taken a major hike and I’m pretty sure I’m going to need
Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.



My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving
grace….
the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.



What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY
GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out
of my friend. It’s sooo painful, but I really don’t care. “IT WORKS!!
It works !!” I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs
up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to
my grief and despair….THE HAIR IS STILL THERE…….ALL OF IT!



So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I’m numb by now. Nothing hurts. I
could have amputated my own leg at this point. Next week I’m going to
try hair color…..