So, after reading this article, I’m sooooo glad that I’m not a locksmith:

From the article:

According to the Portsmouth Herald, police reported that the 39-year-old man was intoxicated when they arrived at the scene on July 30 at about 3:40 a.m. The man, who was not identified, told them that he had the padlock around his testicles for two weeks.

So.. how do you go two weeks with a padlock around your nuts? I mean.. really.. isn’t that something you would try and take care of as soon as you woke up, and realized your “friend” had padlocked you and took off?

A quick glance at some of the stuff happening in the world today… or at least, at some of the stuff happening that I find interesting or entertaining.

Let’s start off with this report on lightbulbs that glow in the dark. This company has invented light bulbs that let you see in the dark! I know.. its amazing, I’m not sure how we lasted this long without lightbulbs that gave off light in the dark…

Seriously though..its actually a kinda neat idea.. the bulbs work as normal when turned on.. but when they get turned off, or the electricity goes out (which I guess is actually the same as them getting turned off) they continue to glow, and apparently with enough light to see by without waiting for your eyes to adjust for the first hour. The drawback? each bulb costs about 5 times what a normal bulb would cost… ouch.

Next we have a good wholesome library story.. it seems, that if you go to the library, you not only incur the risk of late charges (especially if you never take the book back), but now, apparently, its just plain dangerous to go. This is why I do all my reading online, or buy the book..its just not safe in the library.. between getting stabbed in the neck, and having to use a windoze based computer if you want internet access…its horrible!

And then we have this winner from the “And they let these people breathe” category. I’ll just quote the headline..it’ll give you a good idea:

Mother who gave pot to toddler sentenced

Yep.. you read that right… my favorite quote from the article?

A key prosecution witness was Brandi Nichols, an admitted drug user who turned Durham in after taking photographs of her holding a water pipe while her 18-month-old daughter put her mouth over the top.

So..let’s see…what lessons can we learn?

• Mistake #1 – Smoking pot where your 18 month old toddler (otherwise known as a little mimic machine who will try and do EVERYTHING you do) can see you.
• Mistake #2 – Letting said 18 month old have their turn with the bong.
• Mistake #3 – Having another pot head take pictures of your 18 month old getting stoned.
• Mistake #4 – Not keeping the pictures the pot head took!

And yet, after not testifying on her own behalf, not calling any witnesses to testify for the defense, and being found guilty… this brain dead idiot, is trying to get custody back from the state….Some people shouldn’t be allowed to have kids…

She missed it this time, but I’m willing to bet that this lady ends up on the Darwin awards before to much longer.

From the linked article:

Lockhart said the woman was embarrassed about the accident.

Her explanation to officers: “I leaned out to spit and I leaned too far.”

And the quote from Captain Obvious the police officer:

“It’s certainly not prudent to open your car door on a highway, especially when you’re not wearing a seat belt,” said Capt. Rich Lockhart, a police spokesman.

Umm… DUH?

Ok..so to start with.. we have this lady..who feels the need to spit while driving down the highway at highway speeds (which, for states that aren’t constant construction zones like Colorado, is presumably 55 MPH or so) this.. on its own is not bad..lots of people do this… Ms. Doolin however, couldn’t be bothered with the simple task of ROLLING DOWN her window to spit.. she felt she needed to open her door (This would be Mistake #1). Then, as if that wasn’t a dumb enough thing to do.. she decides that instead of just leaning her head over a little to spit, she needs to lean her whole body over (This is mistake #2). And for some reason, apparently, when she decided to lean out of the car, moving along the highway at 55MPH…she didn’t feel the need to hold onto anything in the car (like, I dunno.. the steering wheel maybe?) and to compound this…she wasn’t wearing her seat belt either (Mistakes #3 and #4).

The only thing she managed to get right (or mistake #5 depending on your point of view), is that she managed to avoid getting ran over by the rest of the people moving down the highway….

I think we’ll see her on the Darwin Awards inside of a year…

Proof that someone out there has even less talent at writing then I do:

“As he stared at her ample bosom, he daydreamed of the dual Stromberg carburetors in his vintage Triumph Spitfire,” he wrote, comparing a woman’s breasts to “small knurled caps of the oil dampeners.”

That lovely excerpt comes from this years Worst Writer Winner. The full article from CNN is here. It goes on to mention some of the ‘honorable’ mentions like

India “hangs like a wet washcloth from the towel rack of Asia.”

I realize that I will probably never win a Pulitzer prize for anything I write (especially here, where I write more like I talk) But even I would never have considered have a character compare breasts to a carburetor! I mean.. would I compare breasts to fruit? Sure..that gives a good size reference? But a carb? that’d be like comparing breasts to the G5 chip in my iMac!

Hmm….. “Her breasts where as hot and advanced as a G5”

Naah…. doesn’t quite do it for me…

OK..just when you thought you’d seen a news report on every dumb thing a parent could say or do…

I get sent this link by my brother. Go ahead… read it…

Read it?

Did it sink in?

That’s right… this lady is demanding that her teenage daughter be allowed to be in the boys’ locker room, while they (and her) are changing clothes.

Continue reading (bad) Parent of the Year →

At least…NASA is hoping there will be a KABOOM! On Monday (The 4th), NASA has planned a… unique fireworks show… in order to give us something to look at, they are going to crash a probe (Deep Impact) into a Comet (Tempel 1). According to the little animated movie on NASA’s site.. they’re expecting a good sized chunk of Tempel 1 to be demolished.. giving NASA a first look inside a comet.. to see what they are made of.

So, I realize we just closed on our house..but I think we bought the wrong one..this one would have been a much better deal! I mean.. so what if it doesn’t have water, sewage, living space, or electricity..it comes with its own cannons! And since the only access is via boat..the number of annoying people knocking on the door to sell me something should be minimal (and those that do knock..can always get their boats blown out from under them as they leave)

I wonder if its to late to change houses?

Yippeee!

This afternoon, we closed on our new Townhome! Now all thats left, is to rip out all the old carpet, paint the walls, lay down new carpet, patch holes in the walls, buy screens..oh yeah..and move =)

Today’s DUH! award goes to Snapple..

They had the brilliant idea of erecting a giant popsicle in New York City… in June, on the first ‘official day of summer’.. the Forecast for the day? 81 degrees Farenheit… the average temperature so far for June there? 79 degrees..

Now.. I realize, I’m not in marketing..which means I have more then 1 functional brain cell… but wouldn’t it have made more sense to have the giant popsicle on a day when it wasn’t going to be quite so hot? Like maybe in March?

Ok… so, I get the point of people protesting.. they don’t like the way someone(or some company, or some country..or something) is doing/planning/talking about/advertising/smells/looks/spells their name.

So people protest..a nice peaceful way to get their point across right? Right..

Ok, so my question is.. with as uptight as some (most) people seem to be about looking at someone else’s (and really, I think in some cases, even their own) skin.. what’s up with all the naked protesters?

Continue reading Protest Question →